Dropping the F-bomb.

I’m holding my hands up…I’m a sweary mum. I TRY my hardest to keep it clean whilst Charlotte is around but if some knobhead (oops) cuts me up in traffic I am likely to call him (or her) out on it at high volume and it comes out of my mouth before I remember to censor it for my 5 year old’s ears.


My attention was brought to my effusive language after catching Charlotte dropping some form of F bomb whilst walking away from me not once, but twice this week. My heart sank. I’m a failure as a mum. 

“What a silly, naughty man” is sooo much less cathartic than “What a fucking dick” though, don’t you think? 

I hardly ever remember my parents swearing when I was younger. We would get reprimanded if we said ‘crap’ which seems to be a pre-watershed word nowadays. Bugger was ok, just. Bother was preferred. When pushed during my teen years my mother may have uttered the f word but sort of muted herself when she said it. Much like when your nanna has to say ‘lesbian’. 

I obviously did not inherit this restraint.

Nope, I’m the mum who swears and then wishes she hadn’t because she isn’t quite sure if the mum she’s talking to is a kindred spirit or one of those mum’s who suddenly look like you’ve hurt their delicate ears when you call someone a wanker.

I’ve also come to realise I’m the colleague who swears. Open plan offices are not ideal for this. My job makes me say ‘for fucks sake’ approximately 100 times a day so keeping that internalised would surely be bad for my health! Luckily my team mates are well aware of my colourful language but I’m sure not everyone approves. 

I wish I was more mild mannered and I have tried, but it’s too hard to keep all the effing and jeffing in and filter it to a more child friendly/ work friendly chiding and so I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not the end of the world. 

Telling someone ‘I fucking love you’ makes it seem all the more true and heartfelt (sniff), telling someone they have acted like a dick helps you get your point across more strongly and if Charlotte needs to try these words out at home then it’s not the end of the world. I would be a pretty massive hypocrite if I said she couldn’t use those words wouldn’t I?! 

It’s parents evening this week though so we’ll see if she’s been dropping them anywhere else as well. 😬

Out of the mouths of babes…

One of my friends is currently trying to stop her three year old boy from saying fuck. She doesn’t say it around him and has no idea where he’s got it from. I have heard him in action and he’s definitely using it in context but the biggest problem is…it’s really funny! Seeing such a small, blonde, angelic faced preschooler dropping the F-bomb is hilarious! She and I just look at one another and try, desperately not to crack up, but he knows. He knows that us adults use it ‘accidentally’ in conversation, he knows that sometimes it’s the only word you have to hand when you drop something on the floor and more than anything he knows that it gets a reaction. His cheeky grin when he says it tells all.

Having a child really makes you aware of all your mannerisms and your most used words and phrases. They say imitations is a form of flattery but when it’s your toddler doing it I’m not so sure. Charlotte used to say “dammit”. Not necessarily as bad as fuck but at just two, with not a whole lot of vocabulary yet, this word was used often, in context and usually emphasised with a stamp. I didn’t even realise I said it but apparently I am my very own Jack Bauer, I “dammit” all the time! She also came out with a noise that sounded a bit like “fuckin ‘nough” for a while but I was never quite sure what she was trying to say and put that down to sheer coincidence it sounded horrendous and didn’t draw attention to it when it happened!

I also apparently say “just a minute” a lot. How bad a mum does that make me seem!? My daughter plays with her dollies and tells them “just a minute baby” when feeding them or tending to them in some way. We were at my parents house and she told me that something was “expensive” and she “didn’t have enough money to buy it”. This is definitely a phrase I’ve been using more and more with my budget ever decreasing and coming up to the dreaded Christmas, were children are now brainwashed from an early age that they should start demanding toys from October because so-and-so has one, or she saw it on the front aisles in the supermarket (thanks a lot Asda, Tesco and Sainsbury’s!) or because she saw an advert whilst watching tv (although I desperately try to limit her viewing of those!).

She also imitates my phone habits which has alerted me to the fact that I walk whilst I talk and twirl my hair and I only speak on the phone to a select few people as Charlotte has the same conversations that I do with the same people.

I love my little mini-me but I’m also petrified that if I make a wrong move it will come back to haunt me very quickly!