I am not Superwoman

Well, its official, my mind is a mess, my body is a mess, my house is a mess and my parenting style is a mess.  I have been working long hours for a hellish project and it has taken its toll on every part of me. This week I’ve cried in the office over a very small thing, I’ve cried at home over big and small things. I’ve had a very poorly tummy (I will say no more on that right now), I’ve stared at my massive washing up pile every evening for the past four days but have not yet washed it up and I’m being a shit mum as all I want to do is come home and veg on the sofa when Charlotte wants me to play and we have eaten crap way too often recently (thank goodness nursery gives her real food).  

 I am apparently part time and have the salary that goes with it, yet I have also worked more than full time hours over the past few weeks and have been logging on at home in the evenings just to get stuff done.  This is not a recipe for a happy, well-balanced life is it?

 So I’m thinking about going to the doctors to be signed off for a bit after long and teary discussions with lots of my friends because I’m not sure I can do it anymore. But something is stopping me and I can’t quite figure out what.  Pride, maybe. Stubbornness, maybe.  Conscientiousness, maybe. Worried about the stigma, maybe.  But I think it’s mainly down to the fact that, even though I know it’s utter bullshit, somewhere inside of me still seems to think I should be fucking Superwoman!!  This fictional character who is able to deal with all areas of life effectively, all the time.  Whose house is spotless. Whose children don’t have tantrums and do eat broccoli. Whose nails are perfectly manicured at all times and who can still hold down a full time job and keep up with the high stresses in her job.  Single mum or not Superwoman has her shit together

superwoman Well being Superwoman and ‘having it all’ seems like a quick way into an early grave, so, as one of my friends said, I need to choose my priorities.  Surprisingly work comes nowhere near the top of this list so I need to make sure it’s not at the top of my stress list either. 

 I feel a revelation coming on. #iamnotsuperwoman



Dropping the ball.

Today I did not go the extra mile. I was on the way, literally, but my brain kicked in and told me not to. It wasn’t because I’m a bitch, it wasn’t because I was lazy, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to do it; it was because I actually couldn’t do it. Or, I could have but it would have cost me. Not money or time (although it actually would have) but it would have caused me to put that one extra thing on my plate that would have caused the plate to break or drop the ball using my very own juggling analogy. 

Roughly how I’m feeling – although i wish i looked this good in a sequined basque!
It wasn’t even a big thing but it was something that would have made a difference to an event I’m running. It would be a nice to have definitely, but after leaving work late after yet another busy day, picking up a tired daughter from nursery (last mum there again) and then picking up a crazy dog desperate for a walk I thought “what on earth am I doing”?  

I am in the middle of a really busy and high profile piece of work at the moment with tight deadlines and a lot of reputation all risk. This doesn’t all fall on me but I obviously don’t want to drop a ball there.  
I am trying to decorate and renovate a house (luckily with help from family and friends) in time to move in by the end of September and also trying to sell a shared ownership flat which seems to be a process not unlike wading through treacle.  

I’m trying to coordinate an exciting event that the Wellbeing Group, of which I am the main driver, has organised which is tomorrow.

I’m trying to be a good mum to Charlotte which involves not being the last mum to pick up their child every day and having time, and the energy to spend quality time with her when we get home.

I’m trying to be a good friend, especially to my best friend who is getting married in a week and a half!  I am trying to keep on top of the housework and I am trying to take some time for myself.

But trying isn’t good enough for these.  I want to be actually able to succeed in all of these but something had to give this evening so I didn’t do something.  The world won’t fall apart from it.  The event will still run tomorrow.  My colleagues won’t know what I haven’t done but my daughter has had time with me and I have had time to decompress a little from an, already, very busy week. 

Sometimes we have to put things in perspective and driving out of my drive this evening was a ‘click’ moment.  I drove up the road, turned around at the roundabout and came home again.  Doing this extra thing would be good for the wellbeing event but not for my wellbeing and I suppose I should lead by example.  

It’s not selfishness to put yourself as number one sometimes – it’s essential and I’m glad I remembered that this evening – just in time! I urge everyone to take at least 30 mins to prioritise yourself this evening, it can make such a difference! Happy hump day xx

Back to work.

I keep starting posts about my hilarious dates that I have been on over the holidays but my timing is crap and at the moment I am seriously contemplating having to go back to work full time which takes away the flippancy of a date or two. This was a New Years decision I was hoping I wouldn’t have to make but I do and it seems like the only way for me to stay above the water at the moment…all be it still probably paddling furiously underneath!

Another massive decision that goes along with this is having to put Charlotte in nursery full time. This one hurts my heart so much more than me having to go back full time. When I was dreaming about having children I wanted to be a stay at home mum, when I had Charlotte I knew that wasn’t going to be financially possible but I changed my hours, worked full time hours in four days and had a husband that, when in work could easily have Mondays and Tuesdays off leaving just two days to cover with nursery. When not in work he still only looked after her for the two days but that’s neither here nor there anymore. Once my marriage went down the pan and he decided that he wanted a 9-5 job the routine changed again. I could no longer do my full time hours in four days with nursery pick ups and drop offs all being my responsibility (ex lives about 45 mins away) so I changed to part time over the four days, put Charlotte in nursery one extra day and begged (something I am awful at doing) my parents to have her for a day to keep my costs down (ish). This worked for a little bit but having now done that for six months I am drowning and my overdraft is getting bigger and bigger with not much more stretch.

My parents have now decided they would like to live further down south so that’s one days nursery added and with the discount I would get for five days nursery seems like the best decision financially which also means I can go back to full time again. The fact I don’t want to doesn’t really factor in unfortunately.

So my idyllic ideals and my realistic vision are somewhat different and it still hurts a bit to realise that. I love my Fridays with Charlotte. I love my Fridays catching up with my mummy friends. I love the opportunity to make the most if my ‘long weekends’ but it’s about survival at the moment and the mummy bear instincts have kicked in so I will just have to leave her with some amazing, trusted other bears for a bit longer whilst I go out to forage for food and some bigger, more appropriate shelter and the weekends I have with Charlotte will have to be jam packed with fun times to make sure she still knows I love her and she is my top priority.

I promise you’ll get my juicy date stories soon!!