Picking up the pieces. 

When a boy broke my heart in college I remember my mum came and gave me big hugs whilst I cried myself to sleep.I was on summer holidays so I moped around feeling sorry for myself for a few days, talking to friends about what a knob he was and that there were plenty more fish and the sea and that he didn’t deserve me etc etc. 

15 years on and I’ve found it’s not exactly the same process.

I have to go to work each day and pretend to be fine. I have a daughter to look after, who I don’t want seeing me with tears running down my face or a sad face. I have a life to lead and luckily, in some ways, I have stuff to keep me busy so I don’t have time to dwell, but when the tears come it feels exactly the same. 

A boy has broken my heart. 

He hasn’t done it in the same way as any other. I don’t even think he meant to do it, but here I am sobbing with mascara down my face feeling like a 17 year old who still just wants a hug from her mum and for her to tell her everything will be ok. But really, being honest, deep down, I just want a hug from him telling me that everything will be ok. I even think he might need that type of hug too but we’re in a place where neither of us can communicate that to one another. 

New relationships, when you have to deal with real, grown up life around you, are much harder than the new relationships you have at 17. The worst you have to deal with is infidelity but what else should be expected from a hormonally challenged 19 year old boy I guess.  

When you’re 32 there’s baggage involved. There’s trust issues which you have waded through, there’s vulnerability issues but you let your guard down and there’s communication issues. There’s children who’d been introduced, there’s jobs to deal with, there’s family who were expecting to meet him, there’s friends you’d told everything about him, there’s history for both parties and it’s all bloody tricky to deal with. 

I understand this all, yet here I am with my heart broken at 32 and it feels absolutely no different to that heart break 15 years ago. 

Sayonara 2016, welcome 2017.

Happy new year everyone. I hope you had a good one last night, whatever that may mean. 

Despite being childfree, I spent the evening at my best friends house and drank absolutely nothing. I got back home just as Big Ben chimed on the car radio so went inside, put my pyjamas on and went to bed.

But all of it was exactly how I wanted to ‘celebrate’ at that moment. This week, let alone this year, has been emotionally draining for so many reasons so being with my best mate and having an ‘early’ night was perfect for me this year. 

Way better than strappy high heels!

Like everyone else, 2016 has been pretty shitty.

Personally I’ve been in pain for 6 months or so with gallbladder trouble, I’ve been messed around by more men than I can count, work has been awful and has not got better.

I also went on a stressful holiday to Lanzarote which was the least relaxing holiday ever. My flat sale fell through three goddamn times.

Charlotte was diagnosed with coeliac disease in April which created so much overwhelm for me I went into a bit of a decline and along with all the rest of the world’s goings on it could seem like a bad year but… 

On the plus side, I went on an amazing holiday to Portugal with my friends, I was also lucky enough to go to France with friends in October who also had had a new baby early in the year. 

I had my gallbladder removed fairly swiftly (for the NHS) and I’m on the mend, I’ve also lost a few lbs because I can’t eat very much! I’ve also worked out how to make my hair look awesome (post to come on this shortly!). I had a perfect week with Charlotte before she started school. Charlotte actually started school and is thriving, which is a joy to watch and we’ve just about got the hang of her diet with support from school and all of our friends and family who have been on a steep learning curve like me. 

Oh and the two big ones, of course, I got divorced and I have a boyfriend. The latter has not been without its stresses (the former hasn’t either)  because he’s also had a really difficult past few months but hopefully this is something we can both work through. I’ve had a lovely weekend away with him which was perfectly timed when we both needed to escape from norm. 

My own #bestnineof2016

So, looking forward, I’m optimistic that there will be lots of positives in 2017 and I will be able to cope with the negatives whenever they arise. I am starting a bullet journal (for the third time), and have just started the KonMari method of decluttering to organise myself better and life *is* going to be easier this year. 

Last year my main goal was to say ‘no’ more and I think I’ve done well but still need to work on this…along with my 10 other new goals for this year! 

What are your goals this year? Let me know in the comments and here’s to a fantastic, fulfilling 2017! 

Left standing

Last week I got stood up.

Not in the old school way.  I wasn’t left standing awkwardly in a pub on my own. But I was stood up in the ‘millennial’ way. I was blocked on WhatsApp. I hate myself for even uttering those words but, 15 minutes before I was meant to meet up with this guy, I was blocked. The only reason I knew this before getting out of the house and being stood up for real was because I was running late – as always. I normally hate that I am always late for things but, in this particular instance, it saved me a lot of public embarrassment.

I was still embarrassed by it though. I had chatted to this guy for over a week. We had had daily conversations about life, the universe and everything. He seemed like a genuinely decent guy and I will admit it, I had a bit of a flutter. He was good looking, he was a full participant in a range of topics of conversation, he usually messaged first which I took to be a good sign. We seemed to have stuff in common and we made each other laugh, or so I thought.

I had told my friends I was going on this date, my mum had been booked to babysit, i’d done my hair and make up (and looked pretty good if I do say so myself) and then it didn’t happen. I was upset, angry, confused but also completely mortified.

I have no idea why, in the last few moments he decided he didn’t want to meet me.  I’m not going to make excuses for him as I have done for other men. He is a coward and a dick but it didn’t hurt any less even though I knew this.

I hadn’t been on a date for a while because I was fed up of knobs (literally and figuratively), I was fed up of being let down and I was fed up of wasting my time and I managed to have it happen all over again.  Unfortunately it doesn’t hurt any less the more it happens.

After yet another bad experience I did wonder if I should just give up on the prospect of a healthy, happy relationship with a bloke all together but, after attending a well-timed mindfulness workshop in London I realised that there is no point in dwelling on the ‘whys’ and the ‘what ifs’ of the date, of my love life or my life in general, it will only hurt me further  stop me focusing in the important things.  I should only be concentrating on what is happening now, as this is the only time I have any control over. So I think I shall make the most of the here and now and see what comes along whilst I’m getting on with it.


The Single Mum’s 29 (ish)-Day Challenge

Whilst wasting time passing some time on Pinterest I came upon an infographic entitled ‘The Single Girls 30-Day Challenge’.  Now, I am single girl (…lets not mention that the rest of my divorce still hasn’t gone through yet…) but not many of the challenges seemed particularly realistic so I tweaked a few and ended up with this, much more do-able, 30-day challenge.  But as its the 1st February and I’ve crossed a couple off it can be my 29 (ish) day challenge.

I’ll let you know how I get on.


Summer break

IMG_3724.JPGWell it would seem I had my six week summer holiday from blogging earlier than the kids have from school! I thought if I didn’t write now I may never get round to it so here’s just a little post getting me back in the game.

There’s been many reasons for the break…I finally got the keys to my new house but it’s taken a while to get there, work has been ridiculously crazy and Charlotte has been a bit of a handful and I am currently writing this is the children’s ward of our local hospital as she’s had a horrible tummy bug. My love life’s been a hot mess to be honest and I just wasn’t feeling the writing or more to the point I didn’t know what to say about which thing when, which pretty much summed up my head space.

Anyway, a new chapter full of good things (we’ve just this minute been discharged as tests have come back ok) so hopefully you’ll rejoin me back on the journey.

Let me know what I’ve missed in the comments below!

A new frame of mind

IMG_0485.JPGI’m starting to have a hard time keeping faith that all single men are not douchebags and that there might actually be some decent guys still out there. I’m starting to think that maybe I’m destined to be single forever and should actively choose this life because my heart is too fragile to take any more douchey-ness. I think I deserve someone who genuinely takes care of my heart, not stomps it into the ground without so much as a fleeting thought.

I’m also starting to wonder if it’s me. The type of person i am attracted to just seems to automatically mean dickhead, who will think it’s ok to just stop texting, or to meet a few times and then say they have problems and can’t concentrate on a relationship right now. Why are all 30 something single men flaky, commitment-phobic knobs? I genuinely want to know!

I have wasted so much time talking to men who seem genuinely interested…some for months and then they just disappear – no warning, no signs, no explanation. Some may pop back with an excuse or two but nothing credible or worth the radio silence. This seems to now be an acceptable way of ending things. It’s not.

I don’t think this is an attraction issue, those I have met have never seemed disgusted and have usually met more than once. They talk the talk, they kiss the kiss all that stuff and like an idiot I get hooked in.

But I have to make a decision for self preservation, that this can happen no more, I have been taken for a ride more than enough now and I know that I deserve better. So my new pact to myself is no more late night conversations via Whatsapp – if they want to talk to me they can pick up the phone or invite me out. Emojis are not good enough. No more long distance attempts – an hours drive is not sustainable in my life right now so why kid myself it could work? No more ‘likes’ on POF – if they like me they will find a way to contact me and no more playing games and overthinking – if they don’t like my honest answer then they aren’t the right person. I am so tired of it all.

So it seems that I will be single for the foreseeable future but no change there then, hey? But that’s ok I guess, I’ve got Charlotte, I’ve got friends, I’ve just started my new job, I’ll be moving house soon and selling my flat so lots of things to focus on that don’t involve dealing with idiots (other than colleagues and estate agents) and for now I’ll just cling on to ‘everything happens for a reason’. That’s a real thing, right?


Down with love

IMG_2462.JPGI have to be honest with you (why stop now!) the looming holiday of love and kisses and vomit inducing cards has got to me a bit this year.

Last year I was happy just ignoring it and getting on with my day. I’d just got back from an awesome long weekend in Amsterdam with my best friend, I spent the day with Charlotte and I was debating signing up to match.com after various drunken conversations we’d had in the city of tulips (or clogs…or red lights… whatever it’s called!) I didn’t want to be in a relationship at that time, I was just feeling a bit more ready to have a look out there. I honestly have no recollection of what I did that day/eve but it was definitely not crying in a corner with a bottle of wine clutched to my chest…which is pretty much where I’m at right now. Either that or I want to go out, get very drunk and dance my arse off.

It has just so happened that the big V day has landed upon a Saturday which is my ex’s weekend with Charlotte. I usually love my free Saturdays. It would be great luck that I had this weekend free if any of the 13 men I have dated actually had lasted longer than one or two dates or they had not disappeared off the end of the earth with no explanation. It would be great even if I had an ongoing flirtation with someone where there would be a hope that I’d get an unexpected card or text message or anything at some point on Saturday, but all my conversations have petered out or we’re now well and truly in the ‘friends zone’. It would be great if I had a secret admirer but when the hell does that ever happen, other than in the films. I’ve been single for 18 months now and it’s getting to be a bit rubbish. I did however get a card and cookies from Charlotte.

Don’t get me wrong, I seriously hate all the bullshit, schmaltzy crap that is rammed down our necks for weeks before the 14th and anyone posting any of that shit on Facebook will be getting short shrift from me and I do really enjoy the time I have on my own but it would also be quite nice to share a M&S ‘three course for £10’ meal with someone whilst watching trash on the tv. No roses or jewellery needed (although I have run out of my favourite perfume). Actually, just that would be nice anytime really…

Oh well, The Notebook, a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, something covered in salted caramel and cuddles with the dog sounds just about as fun. 😳

Wish I’d seen this sooner though so I could send to my other single friends! https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/177461742/single-girl-funny-valentines-card?

The three dates of Christmas: the epilogue.

IMG_2262-0.PNGI hope you enjoyed reading about my festive dating experiences, from the (very) good to the (extremely) bad and that it gave you some giggles. I now definitely know which of my friends read my blog after posting the ‘coffee date’ one as well!

I said I was chatting to five guys over the holidays and I haven’t lost touch with the missing two either. I haven’t managed to meet up with them yet either, but really hope to. The fact they’re still talking to me and I haven’t got bored of them after a month of messaging can only be a good sign surely? If we haven’t run out if things to say to each other maybe we have more of a chance? (Ever the optimist, even after The Worst Date Ever!) The only problem is everyone is back to reality with full time work and childcare to juggle, leaving little time for swanning around going on dates and such like so diaries are being scoured to try and find some time.

I have also realised it’s been nearly a year since I started my dating journey. There were times when I wasn’t actively looking and times when I was ‘seeing’ someone but that is quite a long time! I also worked out that, so far, I’ve been on dates with 12 different blokes. I could actually make a calendar from my dates! Although some I’d leave out and put Channing Tatum in their place if that’s ok? Who knows, maybe 13 could be my lucky number?


Promise to keep you posted!

Big girls don’t cry…

I have had to be a big brave girl this week and explain to someone why I can no longer be friends with them. It was a conversation that had to happen in order for me to completely be able to move on with my life and not let them hold me back.

I have had to make some difficult decisions before with so called ‘friends’ but usually, I have taken the cowards way out and not explained the full reason why I can’t or won’t talk to them again or be around them. I have gone to all lengths to avoid bumping into them and have just wiped them from my brain as much as possible. (I know healthy, right?)

But this one was different…this one was a man who was one of my closest friends at a point when I needed all the love and support I could get. He was also someone I stupidly fell in love with and it took me nearly a year to work out that he was taking full advantage of my feelings for him and I wasn’t getting a lot in return. He lived miles away and I was always doing the trips along the motorway, I always heard from him when things were going wrong and he needed a shoulder to cry on but when things were going well in his life I wasn’t his first port of call. He was recently separated as well so we had a lot in common but the support given to each other was definitely not evenly distributed.

My eyes were finally opened in my week of hell as I realised (whilst crying down the motorway after a visit to him) that friends don’t treat each other like he had treated me. I felt naive, used and like a teenager. He had made the most of my feelings towards him, which many times he said were reciprocated, but then when things came to the crunch he didn’t want to man up and be there for me. Over that next week he just confirmed his knobhead-ness with a string of actions which showed he didn’t give a shit about my feelings at all. So I stopped talking to him.
I thought I’d got away with it and that would be that. We lived miles away from one another and wouldn’t bump into each other and he didn’t try and contact me so I got on with life and started to mend my heart and move on. Until now.

He wanted to know why I still wasn’t talking to him. He wanted to know why we couldn’t be friends. He wanted to know that I was ok and “how was Charlotte?” so I had to explain. In clear words, I had to explain why we couldn’t be friends anymore. Why I needed to move on and why he wasn’t a healthy part of my life. So I have. He wanted more explanations and had his own version of events but in the end I feel how I feel and that’s not going to change. The past month where we haven’t spoken and I’ve hardly thought if him have been good. I have managed to get back to focusing on me and my daughter and have even opened my life back up to actually meeting someone special who WANTS to be in my life. I know I will miss him at times but I value myself way more than to let myself be swept along by someone else who may not be sweeping me in the right direction. I deserve to be swept off my feet instead. A hard conversation to have but I’m very glad I’ve been brave enough to do it. At 30 I may finally have grown some balls! About time!


Getting back in the game.


One of the many reasons I decided to start a blog was because I stepped into the completely unknown world of Internet dating in March and there is just way too much material out there to keep to myself!!!

I dutifully signed up to match.com after a weekend away with my best friend and a fair amount of peer pressure. I was definitely ready to start meeting new people but it was just so alien to me! So after writing and re-writing my profile and having it proof read by a small group of trusted friends, I paid my membership fee and joined the game…and do you know what it’s actually quite fun! It took a while for me to get used to the whole ‘winking’ thing (I am still yet to wink at anyone!) and the excitement of seeing someone looking at your profile and the disappointment when you don’t get a wink or email, but at the very least I have managed to have some intelligent, interesting, adult conversations with the opposite sex which, to be completely honest, has not happened for a very long time. Even whilst still in my marriage. You quickly get used to laughing at the ‘your boobs looks great’ emails and if nothing else, it’s a boost to the self esteem which can never hurt 😉

Still no long term loves have appeared – I’m not sure I’m actually ready for that bit yet, but so far I’ve been on dates with a Spanish doctor (sexy and talkative and a gentleman – a good one to start with), a political advisor (older and desperate to settle down), a short guy (with definite short man syndrome – hot though!) a tall guy (lots in common but just no spark), a car salesman (who talked a good talk, as you can imagine) and many long conversations via email that never ended up turning into a date. But I guess this is what ‘me time’ is all about, trying to find out what works for me and who I am again, after 10 years of being someone’s girlfriend, fiancé and wife. It’s actually been quite a fun journey so far…

As for tinder…well that deserves a post ALL of its own!!! 🙂