Sun, sea and the single mum.

Our daughters are playing together and I attempt a smile but apparently you don’t see me. 
We are sitting close to one another at dinner whilst I sit on my own for the fifth night in a row so our daughters can eat in the kids section but apparently you don’t see me. 
Our children are dancing together at the pretty awful evening entertainment but other than a smile and nod there’s nothing more that’s said.
Being a single mum on holiday seems to be like having the plague, in that if ‘our kind’ is conversed with for too long any ‘non-single mums’ will be infected and suddenly be left holding their two beautiful children all alone. The dads, of course, can’t talk to a single mum because we’re definitely trying to get out talons in any man that walks by so best to stay away. 
The receptionists obviously thought a lesbian couple would be staying with them as we have different surnames on our passports and therefore on our booking. The restaurant tickets say Miss Charlotte and Miss Katie and states that two adults will be eating with them. 


The housekeepers don’t know what to do with us and leave extra towels in case there is another person hiding somewhere in the closet and the bartenders presume I’m ordering two of what ever drink I ask for as I couldn’t possibly be drinking alone! (There are perks!!) 
The 19 year olds running the kids club ask me every time if I want to add another signature on the card so ‘someone else’ can pick Charlotte up. Unless Pablo the pool boy (who’s quite good looking) is offering, I haven’t had anyone else ask to pick my daughter up! Each time I say ‘nope, it’s just me’ and walk away with a lump in my throat and trying to think of a way to kill an hour and a half whilst Charlotte plays what’s the time mr wolf with 10 other pre-schoolers. I even contemplated the gym and even dressed to go, only to find the treadmill and cross trainer were broken and decid that weights were not for me. 

So, despite the fact that I thought I was brave enough to attempt a holiday just the two of us, it would seem my skin is not quite as thick as I would want it to be for this. It has been hard work more than it has been relaxing and both Charlotte and I have lost our tempers on more than one occasion. The sun has been good though and there have been intermittent moments that have made us smile and that I will treasure forever. 
Maybe I’ll try Devon next year though, slightly cheaper and easier to get home if it all goes pear shaped! Or maybe I’ll set up a single parents holiday company with babysitters, networking type events so everyone can get to know each other and plenty of activities that both parent and child can participate in. Oh, and a strong wifi signal throughout!! 


NB. I met the elusive single mum…on the flight on the way home…sitting right next to me! Thank you to the brave mum from Tamworth for ending my holiday perfectly. 

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A new frame of mind

IMG_0485.JPGI’m starting to have a hard time keeping faith that all single men are not douchebags and that there might actually be some decent guys still out there. I’m starting to think that maybe I’m destined to be single forever and should actively choose this life because my heart is too fragile to take any more douchey-ness. I think I deserve someone who genuinely takes care of my heart, not stomps it into the ground without so much as a fleeting thought.

I’m also starting to wonder if it’s me. The type of person i am attracted to just seems to automatically mean dickhead, who will think it’s ok to just stop texting, or to meet a few times and then say they have problems and can’t concentrate on a relationship right now. Why are all 30 something single men flaky, commitment-phobic knobs? I genuinely want to know!

I have wasted so much time talking to men who seem genuinely interested…some for months and then they just disappear – no warning, no signs, no explanation. Some may pop back with an excuse or two but nothing credible or worth the radio silence. This seems to now be an acceptable way of ending things. It’s not.

I don’t think this is an attraction issue, those I have met have never seemed disgusted and have usually met more than once. They talk the talk, they kiss the kiss all that stuff and like an idiot I get hooked in.

But I have to make a decision for self preservation, that this can happen no more, I have been taken for a ride more than enough now and I know that I deserve better. So my new pact to myself is no more late night conversations via Whatsapp – if they want to talk to me they can pick up the phone or invite me out. Emojis are not good enough. No more long distance attempts – an hours drive is not sustainable in my life right now so why kid myself it could work? No more ‘likes’ on POF – if they like me they will find a way to contact me and no more playing games and overthinking – if they don’t like my honest answer then they aren’t the right person. I am so tired of it all.

So it seems that I will be single for the foreseeable future but no change there then, hey? But that’s ok I guess, I’ve got Charlotte, I’ve got friends, I’ve just started my new job, I’ll be moving house soon and selling my flat so lots of things to focus on that don’t involve dealing with idiots (other than colleagues and estate agents) and for now I’ll just cling on to ‘everything happens for a reason’. That’s a real thing, right?

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